Advice to a Young Diplomat Assigned to Serve in the USA

Advice to a Young Diplomat
Assigned to Serve in the USA

From

A Former Chief of Mission of Country “X” in Washington

1. Immerse yourself, as soon as you arrive, in day-time American TV. If you’re pressed for time, and cannot watch soap operas, focus on Tyra; Jerry Springer TV; Judge Judy on FOX; and Oprah for mental stimulation. These programs, media wonders that they are (and they are so professionally produced!), are the America-is-all-that-exists miracle-drug that spares so-called ordinary Americans from imagining that they are not the only people on earth. The basic premise of these shows is “Let’s talk about something interesting -- let’s talk about me, me, me, my personal and weight problems.” (True, Oprah is popular outside the United States, including in traditional societies like Saudi Arabia; this does suggest the me-and-my-problems syndrome is not unique to American soil, although in the United States it has become a national infatuation).

2. Forget major dailies; remember the person Americans elected twice for president, George W. Bush, proclaimed he didn’t read newspapers. Don’t waste your time establishing contact with universities or think-tanks. These establishments, no matter what their political leanings, are essentially American intellectual GULAGs separated from the Tee-Vee constructed hyper-reality of American life. With websites far less popular than those devoted to pornography or entertainment, these egghead refuges (similar to those for nearly-extinct wildlife, if you think the GULAG metaphor is in bad taste) exist mostly to keep critical thought and the American biosphere separate, so as not to threaten the status quo created by the mass media in the service of the lobbies that sponsor these establishments’ existence. (You can, however, get one of the best lunch sandwiches in Washington at the American Enterprise Institute, so do go there to spare our Embassy cafeteria expenses).

3. Study the DVD, “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan,” so you’ll be prepared on how Americans will view you as a foreigner. In the USA, always remember, no matter how friendly and welcoming eternally smiling Americans may appear to be on the surface (only TSA personnel at airports make no pretence of civility), you are considered essentially someone from another planet, an alien (the designation says it all), a "Borat,” even if where you come from is somewhat familiar (or you think it is) to Americans. By the way, if a country -- let us hope it is not ours, unless we get massive amounts of aid after we are "shocked and awed" -- is at war with the U.S., by all means don’t expect US citizens to know its location on a map, despite the famous words of the 19th century writer Ambrose Bierce, “War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.” Worthy of note here is the observation of an Austrian diplomat known to our Embassy, who once said that he was grateful for the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor of California because at last Americans were no longer confusing Austria with Australia.

4. Don't speak standard English. As for the language spoken in America, the tongue formerly known as English, you should know that in the U.S. among the young it has been transformed into a series of meaningless, unrelated utterances such as “like,” “you know,” “whatever,” prevalent among cell phones users with nasal screeches that can crack windows. When you address Americans of any age, be sure not, repeat not, to speak "grammatically," as this may sound "elitist," i.e. foreign and suspicious. As for the verbal constructions employed by adult native US speakers in your meetings with them, their words (it is unlikely that they will use complete sentences) will be parrot-like repetitions of "talking points," “strategic communication,” advertising slogans, Bill O’Reilly talk shows, and George W. Bush press conferences.

5. Never, never speak a foreign language. The United States is a land of immigrants -- indeed, that is the key to America's global success -- with varying linguistic backgrounds. But in part because so many Americans are abandoning speech as a form of public discourse (much preferring media-produced images and sound bites, just as they chose junk food over real food; see below no. 6), they -- including those Americans who are the children of immigrants -- feel extremely uncomfortable with foreigners who actually engage in any kind of conversation that is not in their version of "English." Only one percent of US college undergraduates go overseas to study; while these students, no doubt, believe that their experiences abroad have expanded their horizons, don’t be surprised if many of them, despite their academic veneer, basically agree with the well-known statement to the effect that, “English: if it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.” So be ready, during your stay in the U.S., to assume that your native language is a figment of your imagination, even if your colleagues at our Embassy may entice you speak it.

6. Drive, drive, drive: In America, never use public transportation, so contrary to the car cult in the United States. Get on the pot-holed, litter-filled superhighways as often as you can, drive for miles and miles to nowhere, using gasoline to the maximum, and, from your car window, observe as you speed along how Americans and their families live their lives inside their vehicles, drinking sugar-soaked sodas (with ice so that they don't have to taste them), munching junk snacks made out of God-knows-what, listening to ear-busting pop-"music" or looking at mindless videos, ignoring one another while "communicating" with non-present others via cell phones, all the while sitting, immobile, with safety-belts around them, like straight-jacketed patients in an insane asylum. Often stop at filthy, third-world rest-stops and gas stations, taking careful note of how Americans react to rising gasoline prices; this is valuable information for our Ministry of Foreign Affairs on the state of public opinion in the United States -- and how on oil may determine the presidential election (see below, no. 10).

7. Join a Fitness Club. Some Americans, especially from the middle and upper-middle classes, hoping to jumpstart their professional advancement by their outward appearance, on occasion do get out of their car(s) to exercise at fitness clubs. Be sure to become a member of such an institution; you will gain valuable insights on the relationship between the sexes in the U.S. Somewhat-naked men and women, as a rule young, sweatily work out together on machines -- contrived by what appears to be a close cousin of the Marquis de Sade -- in proximity; but physical contact is taboo, and overt flirting equally verboten. Americans retain a puritanical fear of any touching between men and women, especially at a time when women are becoming increasingly involved in the work place and political life. The selection of Sarah Palin as Republican vice presidential candidate is an interesting test case on this matter.

8. Cheer, cheer, cheer USA No. 1. Watch, over and over, Mr. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” descent on the USS Lincoln on "YouTube” for insights into American patriotism. Get into the mood of it; cheer along with the White House aides and US military on the aircraft carrier so you can understand how “USA no. 1” Americans love “to kick ass” overseas, to use President Bush’s words, if only to see what they consider yet an another quarter in a televised football game. Become a devoted football fan; religiously watch the game every Sunday afternoon and Monday night, reveling in the boring, monotonous sight of overgeared gladiators grunting it out in the name of sport that leaves many of its players maimed for life (indeed, the National Football League [NFL] is a modern-day southern plantation, with people sold and bought; no wonder Dr. Rice, a confidante of Mr. Bush handling his "foreign policy" -- when they are not talking football, their shared passion -- is interested in becoming the NFL's Commissioner). Watch the TV shots of the teams' sidelines, with their countless, over-paid coaches and pumped-up staff, to understand the American way of doing things, marked by senseless overplanning, overkill, confusion, and the use of as much useless technology as possible (as is the case in Iraq and Afghanistan). Make sure you know all the results, statistics, etc. of the latest games so that you can have something to talk about with your American contacts before focusing on what brings you and them together, which is probably about favorable contracts for US firms overseas (football talk is the only superfluous talk Americans allow before getting down to business).

9. Forget about the State Department. US “foreign policy” is determined by White House political operatives, the Defense Department, and lobbyists, mostly for reasons that have nothing to do with the outside world. They’re really all about influence-peddling inside the Beltway and money-making deals. Don’t bother calling the low-ranking State Department “desk officer” in charge of relations with our country except if there’s a problem with the Embassy’s parking spaces. To understand how the decision-making at the Seventh Floor Foggy Bottom really works, and the modus operandi of the current Secretary of State, who some have compared to a robot or Star-Trek character, screen a video of Peter Sellers’ “Being There,” based on a novel by Jerzy Kosinski, a film about a mentally feeble man, addicted to watching television, who earns the reputation of being brilliant because he utters meaningless phrases about gardening that are considered profound.

10. Foreign-policy issues in the presidential elections? Don't bother with them, since most Americans don’t: After all, one of the longest running shows on prime-time television, the War in Iraq, now has low ratings and may be suspended for lack of advertisers and viewers. Use The National Inquirer and other tabloids as a source on crucial issues: whether the candidates wear flag pins; whether they talk about lipstick on pigs; whether they get along with their dysfunctional families/relatives; and, most important, whether they are church-going and fear the Christian God. You might also want to visit blogs for other details about the candidates’ personal lives, a subject that fascinates Americans only slightly less than their own problems with weight and personal relationships (not to speak of their collapsing economy).

P.S. Join a online social network. In this way you can have contact with Americans without having to put up with them in person.